I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
