at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
