his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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