you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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