so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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