as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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