...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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