you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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