ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
