wrigley field is MILF paradise
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
