Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
