it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
