Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
