she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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