u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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