I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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