Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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