Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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