i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
