A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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