My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
