I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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