Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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