you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
