Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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