I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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