after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
