There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
