btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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