if i can run in heels then i can drive
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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