You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
