my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So much rum. So many feels.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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