I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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