I think I died a long time ago.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
