I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
