Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
