maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
