God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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