His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
