also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
