Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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