Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
