someone threw a dead crab at me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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