you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
