My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Its about making memories worth repressing
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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