i jhust puked up my retainher.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
