Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
