So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
