I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
