I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
