I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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